Sunday Blues - May 1, 2016

There's something to be said about the psyche of a person that has been emotionally abused. Invisible wounds are hardest to recover from, it ever at all. When someone who is supposed to be your protector shatters your faith and trust in others early in life, your relationship becomes enmeshed and it's a tough cord to cut. One day the brash words that for years have swung at the metaphorical wall will make it all come crumbling down. Sometimes it isn't that cut and dry. There's the emotional tug of war the sadist likes to play. They'll build you up and tear you down like clockwork. You want their approval, you want anyone and everyone's approval. Then it happens, the obsessive need to be perfect and loved; it manifests itself. You work harder, faster, smarter. You throw yourself over the deep-end, and fully immerse yourself in your work and other aspects of your life. Maybe you don't get the recognition you want right away, or maybe you do. But it's never enough and you're off to bigger and better more innovative projects and seeking more illustrious accolades.

One day the heartbreaking reality will set in; you'll be left with a meaningless degree, with a soul-sucking career, and you will realise that no matter what you do it'll never satisfy them. Your empty accomplishments won't mean anything to anyone else but yourself. Except you didn't do this for yourself, you did it for them. You've pushed yourself to tears, over the edge and over exhaustion. You didn't meet what they call "success" because of them, you did it in spite of them.

...And hopefully, when you come to this consciousness you will leave that tattered soul behind, and open the door for the true you to be reborn.

Untitled - January 31, 2016

It's no easy feat coming face to face with your inner demons. Once they come out to play it's terribly hard to send them away. At first, you deny it and try to turn a blind eye... And it might work for a while, or it might not. Soon that gut churning feeling starts to creep over you and everything turns to grey. 

You try to play it off around outsiders. It's not quite daunting in the beginning to crack a smile or make small talk. However, with each day it proves to be a much harder task. Behind closed doors, you're stripped and raw.

You lie awake until the early hours of the morning paralyzed in your thoughts. You yearn for your old self, your old life - what little remnants you remember. How did it get to this, what happened? Surely it's more than a mere chemical imbalance. Your mind races until you've exhausted your last ounce of energy and you drift asleep. It's the sweetest peace you've felt in a while.